i really think there is somwething wrong with me

[bluestareyed]

I am having a fat day. its been so long since i had one that i had forgotten how bad they could be. I feel like a huge fucking whale, and want nothing more than to actually cut all of the offensive parts off of my body. it does not help that either i have gained a ton of weight since i have been here (which according to the scale i have been using, thats not the case, only about 4 maybe 5 pounds) or i have managed to shrink all of my clothes, which considering the incomprehensibility of my clothes washer, is not that much of a stretch to believe. However, my subconcious refuses to listen. im on the verge of tears, i actually had to walk out of class before i started to freak.
Intellectually i know that im actually in better shape than i have been in years. I stopped slmoking, i havent been eating junk food, and i have been walking, hiking, doing crunches, and dancing. this has not stopped my stomach from staying flabby, and my tits from expanding.

What scares me here is how close i am to a freak out. that person that i was that would not eat for almost a whole week and spent a month doing nothing but throwing up is just below the surface. I have to restrain myself right now from just beating physically on my stomach because i hate it so much.

its not the wieght that im really worried about at this point. its the reaction i have to it. that scares me

Comments

[bluestareyed.livejournal.com]

aaaw *blushes*